She Said, She Said, She Said

Yet another step in the direction towards spending the rest of my life with this unstoppable force that blew into my life and I hope to God doesn't leave any time soon.

I have this collection of still frames reeling behind my eyelids when I lie in bed, and they bleed into each other as I drift off to sleep. I see her eyes, first thing in the morning when I roll over and she's sleeping heavily; I kiss her forehead and they open slowly, a smile creeping across her face. I know she has no idea that they're are lighter than the sunlight streaming through the slits in the curtains.

I have a tendency towards recurring dreams. Last night I dreamt of the future, or perhaps just what I wish it will be...

I awake in the mornings with a curious sense of hope, as if even if the day itself ends up being less than satisfactory, it's just one more on the way to something so much more.

No Pain, No Gain, So They Say

University is a wonderful, twisted, fucked-up little gem of a thing, really. You meet the people you want in your wedding party, and you meet the people you hope to God never even think about procreating. You meet rapists, artists, sexists, future dentists, and everything in between. You see hundreds of faces you may or may not ever see again, all drifting by as the frigid wind whips hats in the air and hair in their faces.

I come to ask myself why we behave the way we do around one another now that we're "adults" - or so we say. I suppose, at least, people paying rent for apartments and not eating mom's spaghetti for dinner every night. The definition of adult only ever gets more subjective lately.

One would think that we'd moved past hating people for differences, for things we don't understand about them. One would think we could put aside our shortcomings and come together for fifty-minutes-three-times-a-week and learn a thing or two about the other six billion carbon life forms wandering around the planet.

Sadly, I find myself sometimes mistaken. And for some strange reason, it still gets under my skin in just the right ways that even though people twice my age and ten times my experience think I'm the best thing to walk out of a higher learning institution, people my own age would much rather stare and whisper to themselves than come and talk to me face-to-face like what I'd imagine a respectable adult would.

I'm not comparing my current situation to high school, as I did that at my old university and it was much more fitting there than it is here. I suppose I'm just pointing out the subtle ways in which, as much as we love to call ourselves grown up and blowing away...some of those people? I don't see them moving any way at all.

One Step Forward, Two Steps --

The first day of spring semester fast approaches, and as I sit here and write this, my new roommate is arranging her furniture and putting her clothes in the shelves her family heaved in earlier this morning.

This is yet another new chapter in my life. I find myself on a new roller coaster, but the kind where I don't worry about falling out; the first one where I don't feel like I never strapped in.

I feel stable and almost comfortable. I never want to feel completely safe and comfortable, though, because I fear that that will mean I've stopped moving and progressing in my life. But I am happy, and that's new and kind of tingles when I quiet everything around me and have a moment to myself. I suppose meditating more and all the self-introspection has been having an effect on that, as well.

Having a significant other who supports me and loves me like mine does also really helps. She's more than I deserve.

I think that this whole notion will define my self-motto for this semester and new chapter in life: "Spring 2008: Strapped In."

Qualifiers and Modifiers

For some, no matter how hard they try and no matter what they accomplish, nothing seems like enough.

I feel betrayed by my university. It's kind of stupid, really. I just wish maybe they'd care enough not to make me take classes that will further enhance my penchant towards mid-semester depression plummets.

I digress.

I find myself making schedules, counting days, making plans, hoping, wishing - wishing I knew how to pray, even? - just to keep my feet on the ground. The distance will be hard, I have no doubt. Distance always is. But we have lives apart from each other and that is something that I cannot and will not allow to be altered. Maybe I was spoiled by seeing her so much over break, as she mentioned she herself was, but I like to think I have more self-control than that. I won't up and jump on a Greyhound to Chapel Hill at midnight on a Wednesday night because I can't stand sleeping in a bed alone, without her.

I do see myself possibly sinking into CNU mode this semester around. I can't lie about it; there's no use. I'm not fooling myself or anyone around me by saying otherwise. The schedule I have and my tendency to slip into depression when isolated from friends and loved ones together bodes for nothing all-too-appetizing.

I'm hoping I do better for myself this time around, though. I think I'll be able to, with the right balance of getting out of my apartment, being with people, working out until I can't walk/see straight, and possibly even eating more than four or five times a week.

So I raise my glass (okay - it's a can of diet Dr. Pepper. At least I'm drinking the overachiever of the titular sodas) to me. Cheers to finishing my second year of university with as much fire and delicious chaos with which I started.

First day of the rest of my...

I sat in the passenger seat of Em's car, rubbing my hands together to keep warm as we sat in my driveway with the engine killed. Every time I'm with her, everything spills out effortlessly. I guess that's what four years of a friendship unlike any I've had before will do to me.

She asked me about the new woman in my life, though we'd been talking about our love lives practically the entire evening up until that point. For the first time in what feels like forever, I couldn't seem to find the words to describe this amazing new person in my world.

She's perfect, I think to myself. No, no, even you aren't that sappy. No one's perfect, anyway.

And with that, everything I'm thinking and feeling just seems to seep out of me. "She's amazing," I begin, drastically understating the point before I even got started. "I've never been with someone who treats me the way I treat them. Someone who can give them self to me in the same manner that I've given myself to them. It's healthy, and it's good, and it's just...unreal."

When she kisses you, you feel it through the tips of your fingers and toes, I hear my own voice in my head thinking. When you have her in your arms, when she laces her fingers with yours walking down the street, your heart catches in your throat and you grin like a moron. That's what she does to you.

I catch myself thinking too much and saying too little, and return to the present. She's looking at me, and smirks. "As someone who's been through all of your relationships with you, I couldn't be happier that you've finally found someone who deserves you. 'Cause you've been with a lot of people who didn't."

I looked up at her and smirked back. And since she wandered into my life, I can't seem to understand what I saw in anyone else but her.


"...And I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you..."
- The Moldy Peaches, "Anyone Else But You"

Prologue

I've decided to start a public blog; somewhere I can post things I don't mind everyone reading. That is what this will be.

This blog is completely separate and unrelated to my poli-blog and any other blog projects I may use this Blogger account for, so please keep anything related to the posts seen here within this blog.

That being said, I have a lot to say and I plan on posting my first entry sometime within the next day or two. Read it if you feel so inclined, or don't.